we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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