Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
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The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
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Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
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