went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
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