I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
