Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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