She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
