I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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