I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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