my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
