The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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