If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
