I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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