I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
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