we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
