I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I stole a fireplace last night.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You were trust falling into bushes
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
