Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
