I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
