At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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