Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
