just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
