Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
