Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
