someone threw a dead crab at me
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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