please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
