Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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