can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
