like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
