Already got asked if we're dating
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.