I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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