you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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