The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
