A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
