i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
