Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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