see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
