Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
