the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
