The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
