all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
