It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
