I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
