well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
she told me i tasted like america
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
