Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
