he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
