why didn't you poke me back
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
