YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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