When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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