Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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