why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
me + whiskey = a bad person
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
