I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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