I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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