Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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