youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
