I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
