The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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