You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
