is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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