My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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