There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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