how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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