Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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