Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
