what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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